Overheard by Damian - Mostly From Korea!

Time for a new edition of Overheard by Damian! I'll be starting out with some quotes from Canada and then move into Korea. Actually, I've been thinking that I may have to start including pictures in these posts just because of the hilarious translations I find from time to time.

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Hash (in an email to Carley): "Damian is a gentleman and unless you ask he will not touch you"

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Kia: "What are you going to do once this guy leaves?"

Suhail: "Cut my wrists."

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*After getting The Goat from Suey*

Me: "I didn't see it!...I'm too drunk to lie...c'mon."

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*After I notice Melissa taking a video of me giving Suey the Bat Wing, I grab the camera*

Me: "If I see my nuts on this..."

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*Part of a birthday post on my wall*

Kia: hope you have a good one and never forget, whenever you feel lonely there, remember that Suhail feels the same way on this side.

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Billabong_sitter says:

just pick up korean chicks

- Damian - "Anyone who is able to leave a successful answering machine message is a kind of actor." says:

HOW?! Tell me from now lol

Billabong_sitter says:

just speak english to them

Billabong_sitter says:

a lot of them want to learn english so they get english speaking guys lol

- Damian - "Anyone who is able to leave a successful answering machine message is a kind of actor." says:

so basically she's a whore and I pay her with my language...awesome?

- Suey - says:

it is awesome

- Suey - says:

its like the girl Fleur in HP, she wanted to improve her English so she got a job at Gringotts with Bill Weasley and he's been helping her with her english among other things

- Damian - "Anyone who is able to leave a successful answering machine message is a kind of actor." says:

I've retyped this sentence four times and I don't seem able to express my disgust in your blatant nerdiness.

- Damian - "Anyone who is able to leave a successful answering machine message is a kind of actor." says:

I warned you about this!

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*After I ask Martina about moving to Kingston for teachers college*

Martina: "I'll have nothing to do, I won't even have a TV."

Damian: "You'll have your boyfriend."

Martina: "He won't have a TV either!"

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*Cleaning out my room*

Me: "Want some whiteout?"

Suey: "No, I don't make mistakes...Dos Equis"

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Me: "So when's your date?"

Mike: "It's not a date"

Blaine: "Mutual friendship dinner?"

Mike: "Yes, MFD."

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Debra: "We're meeting at noon-fifteen right?"

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Me: "So when is your mutual friendship dinner?"

Blaine: "Why couldn't you go for a mutual friendship lunch?

Me: "It's not romantic enough."

Mike: "Exactly."

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Ken: "I'm 200 percent sure we're going in the wrong direction."

Me: "That's pretty sure."

Debra: "Wait, 200 percent out of how much?"

Ken: "...500?"

Me: "...So really you're 40% sure."

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*The day after our post-training celebration bender and our room is a disaster. Particularly Ken's side of the room.*

Me: "Tell him it's a train wreck in here...and Ken was the conductor."

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Me: "It's 5pm. I can't believe we're still in bed. This can't be normal."

Ken: "I had to change my sheets. That should tell you that some SHIT WENT DOWN."

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[4:58:15 PM] Damian Yearwood:I know how you women are, with your feminine wiles and what not

[4:58:30 PM] Debra Grote: me? wiles?

[4:58:48 PM] Debra Grote: i'm as unwiley as a girl can be

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*On Koreans and their often extreme curiousity of foreigners*

[9:44:53 PM] Damian Yearwood: ahhh, did you get the stares?

[9:45:35 PM] Kenneth Hughes: I had kids picking at my arm hair in the elevator

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Me: "What time is it?"

Debra: "Midnight-thirty."

Me: "No, I'm not going to allow that, I cannot allow that, and I'm not going to allow that!"

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[5:28:43 PM] Damian Yearwood: I feel like you're getting my messages on delay

[5:29:00 PM] Paula Nguyen: no i am just random... so i comment on things from 30 mins ago

[5:29:15 PM] Damian Yearwood: that doesn't make you random, it's means you're slightly retarded

[5:29:59 PM] Paula Nguyen: I AM NOT RETARDED!!!!

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Me: "Ken went to a bar and picked up a man."

Ken: "He was a cool dude.

Overheard by Damian - Farewell Edition

This will likely be my last "Overheard by Damian" feature until I get to Korea. Hopefully I'll hear/see some funny shit in Korea to write about! Until then, I leave you with some of the best quotes from April up to yesterday!

Note: An asterisk means the name has been changed
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Tom*: "I love you."
*Hangs up*
Me: "You said it this time."
Tom*: "Well what if the plane went down? That's bad karma."
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Dianee: "You want a drink? My mom cleared my Visa."
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Girl at West 50: "I love this song!...What is it?"
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Me: "I don't have money to drink."
Dianee: *taps her Visa* "YES. YOU. DO."
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*I'm trying to leave a line at the end of Convocation so I can go to the washroom and a girl stops me*

Girl: "Sorry, you need to get your degree first."
Me: "But I don't need a degree to pee!"
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*At West 50 and some white jams come on and the white folks go nuts on the dance floor*

Me: "What do I do?"
Spud: "Okay...listen for the beat...then ignore it."
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*Trying to convince me to go to an ice cream place all the way in Oakville*

Holly: "They have everything you could want!"
Me: "Crepes?"
Holly: "...Except that."
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Melissa: *About Suey* "He's fast, he just can't last."
Me: "You're telling me."
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Brown Guy at Flea Market: *To Suey* "Nice body man....You should try wrestling."
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Bus Driver, 1C East: "Next stop is Hanes, just like my underwear...Hanes."
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Damian - "I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly." says:
I got that job. I start in two weeks.
- Damian - "I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly." says:
I can't wait to quit.
Negar says:
hahahahahaha
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Rashmi: *reading* "Can you...gouge...my reaction."
Me: "Gauge."
Rashmi: "...Well it had a 'u' in it!"
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Me: "How was your exam?"
Matt: "I got raped. They went in dry...it was awful!"
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Me: "There are a million people like you."
Rashmi: "Do they got a body like THIS?"
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Me: "This guy says he's a finisher, but I know better."
Rob: "Hey, I AM a finisher alright!"
Me: "Rob, the only thing you finish is a sandwich."
Rob: "...I finish those too."
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Rashmi: "You don't have to be black-black to be black."
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Rob: "I had like 50 black people at my high school...and I didn't even live in a bad neighbourhood!"
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Me: "I KNEW that you were going to go there after."
Larissa: "I wasn't going to go, but then he was like, 'Come over.'"
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Me: "Girls buy all this nice smelling shit but when you ask to smell their hair they act like you're weird."
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*At UTM Grad Formal*

Asian Guy: "You look familiar."
Me: "I go to UTM."
Asian Guy: "Ahhh."
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*In the middle of getting my tattoo*

Tattoo Artist (Ryan): "You got some long fucking arms."
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Suhail: "When you wrote 'I could make you happy,' what girl were you thinking of?"
Me: "My perfect fictional lover."
Suhail: "True."
Me: "It's great because she's perfect, but she's only perfect because she doesn't exist."
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- Suey ^o) - says:
I see what you meant about the SAP drama
- Suey ^o) - says:
Cari had to go and tag me in two notes, TWO! I did nothing for SAP! therefore I untagged myself heh
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Ed*: "Why didn't I do what I should've done?"
Mike*: "What, penetrate?"
Ed*: "...Yeah."
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Me: "Girls rarely know what they want. Even when they do know, they want the wrong things."
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*I'm looking at playing something other than trance on our car ride*

Me: "Does she like Keith Urban?"
Suey: "Does it matter?"
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Melissa: "Oh look, a beaver!"
Suey: "Aw, I never get to see anything fun!"
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Ed*: "Can we go in there?"
Mike*: "Hmm, it says do not enter."
*Notices a girl walking by*
Ed*: "I'd like to enter her."
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*Eating buffalo chicken fingers at Joe Without Shoes*

Suey: "I was going down and something got in my eye...you know what it is?"
*I laugh hysterically*
Suey: "Oh, I know what it is now!"

Overheard by Damian - Round 3

This edition is dominated by Holly. She's just been killin' it with the comments recently. Rob came in second. Everyone else, step your game up!
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Me: "Ooh, I'm not sure about that tooth-to-gum-ratio."
Rob: "We call her gummer."
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*Something ironic happens and I start to sing Isn't It Ironic*

Me: "It's like raiii-iiiaaannn on your wedding day..."
Rob: "No, see that's not irony! Getting stuck in traffic when you're late for work? That's not ironic, it's bad planning!"
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*Holly regarding slights, perceived or otherwise*

Holly: "I don't think people do it to me personally, but I do take personal offence because they're doing it to me."
Rochelle: "What a dumb shit."
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*Rochelle is wearing purple and puts on her purple glasses*

Girl: "Is your favourite colour purple?"
Rochelle: "No, my favourite colour is Prada."
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*Holly is yelling towards Rochelle with Larissa in the middle. Larissa covers her ears from going deaf*

Holly: "You're lucky I don't have a piercing voice."
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Rochelle: "I don't even want those [candies]."
Holly: "Well you will after you see my reaction."
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Mary: "I love sharing my jerk marinade."
Me: "Yeah, me too."
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*In Holly's car*

Me: "It smells in here."
Holly: "Like what?"
Me: "I dunno...dirty socks?"
*Holly looks back and comes up with a sock*
Holly: "It doesn't smell I swear!"
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*We're talking about how to determine whether someone is into guys or girls*

Holly: "Maybe you can tell them that your friend likes them...and they'll be like...boy or girl?"
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Me: "I think she's crazy...but that just makes it more exciting."
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Rob: "They were right about their predictions 80 percent of the time."
Me: "That's four out of five times! OR sixteen times out of twenty!
Rob: "FUCK you're smart!"
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Rob: "Yo, I think what's-her-dingle likes you."
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*A girl with a broken leg is hobbling on her crutches nearby; Holly doesn't see her*

Holly: "I'm so glad to be walking."
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Rochelle: "...Sunday's the end of the weekend."
Holly: "No it's not...it's just the beginning."
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*Rochelle and I are doing work in a computer lab and my head is bobbing to my music. I close my eyes and grin*

Me: "You'll never know how this music makes me feel."
Rochelle: "I'm afraid to know."
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*I put ketchup on my McMuffin*

Mike G: "That's buckle."
Rob: "Buckle? Say words how they're meant to be said! Like 'reach'? Go over there? No, I can't 'reach' that far!"
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*I point out a really hot girl in a music video to Mike*

Me: "Yo, what would you do to that?"
Mike G: "Honestly, I'd do my best...but it wouldn't be good enough."
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Eddie: "When I was little I used to bite my toenails."
Me: "Why did you tell me that?"
Eddie: "It was the right time."
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Me: I have no issue with girls. I don't talk to them and they don't talk to me
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*I change my Facebook status to "In a relationship", Melanie messages me with congratulations, then an hour later I change my status to "Single"*

Melanie: =( this was an april fool's thing wasn't it?
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*My mom fell asleep on the couch and I went to check on her, but woke her up. My mom screams*

Me: "I didn't mean to scare you."
Mom: "I open my eyes and all I see is a black man staring at me!"
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*Talking about how I felt after my womens Tri-Campus team lost in the finals*

- Damian - "I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs." says:
It's weird, like it actually hurts...I've never been dumped, but I imagine it's something like this
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Larissa: "it was all tight and hot...it was awful...don't say it."
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Holly says:
if i don't have a boyfriend by the end of this year im quitting lol
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*Holly is not impressed with her grad pics*

Holly says:
ewww
Holly says:
i look fat
Holly says:
why didn't you tell me
- Damian - "The thing that I hate about myself is that I'm too lazy to change the things I hate." says:
tell you what?
Holly says:
that i look fat
- Damian - "The thing that I hate about myself is that I'm too lazy to change the things I hate." says:
?
- Damian - "The thing that I hate about myself is that I'm too lazy to change the things I hate." says:
How would I know that???
Holly says:
he told me i was killing it, he was definitely lying
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*Holly is asking me where to get the info to access her grad picture proofs*

Damian - "The thing that I hate about myself is that I'm too lazy to change the things I hate." says:
that paper that he gave you that you likely lost haha
Holly says:
what?
Holly says:
he didnt tell me that was important
Holly says:
i found it
- Damian - "The thing that I hate about myself is that I'm too lazy to change the things I hate." says:
but Holly, it's way too expensive to buy pics anyway
Holly says:
i'll blow it up with writing on it

Overheard by Damian 2 (XL Edition)

Some of these quotes are years old, but I've yet to post them anywhere so they're going up now. I'm going to kick this edition off with a few MSN conversations:
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Hash and I have had entire conversations like this, but this is the only one I could find and it's all him this time!

Hash#8 - www.skimculture.com - Habs! - says:
ima break it down one time.
Hash#8 - www.skimculture.com - Habs! - says:
she likes you.
Hash#8 - www.skimculture.com - Habs! - says:
she dun wanna rush into a nex tings
Hash#8 - www.skimculture.com - Habs! - says:
so YOU knowing that.
Hash#8 - www.skimculture.com - Habs! - says:
bus a fool round ya know
Hash#8 - www.skimculture.com - Habs! - says:
and den be like, wha gwan
Hash#8 - www.skimculture.com - Habs! - says:
and she be like me na know
Hash#8 - www.skimculture.com - Habs! - says:
and you be like well ya kno, me easssy
Hash#8 - www.skimculture.com - Habs! - says:
and she be like aiight respeck
Hash#8 - www.skimculture.com - Habs! - says:
and you be like so we dun take it one time slow, and have fun ups
Hash#8 - www.skimculture.com - Habs! - says:
and den ya know, we see wha gwan later
Hash#8 - www.skimculture.com - Habs! - says:
and she be liek iiiiiii-ray
Hash#8 - www.skimculture.com - Habs! - says:
and you be like so everytin plug in
Hash#8 - www.skimculture.com - Habs! - says:
and she be like nut na plug out
Hash#8 - www.skimculture.com - Habs! - says:
dont say it
Damian - “An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last.” says:
...
Damian - “An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last.” says:
lol
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T I could have eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay says:
i should really shower...ill do that tomorrow
Damian - "Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." says:
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaa
T I could have eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay says:
i know
T I could have eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay says:
but it rained today so
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Jaymyi and I have come a long way since then...but in many respects things stay the same!

Jaymyi says:
which one of the 3?
Damian - "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it" says:
the white one lol, on the left
Jaymyi says:
im guessing the one in white
Damian - "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it" says:
hahahahahaha
Jaymyi says:
hahhahahha!
Jaymyi says:
bingo!
Damian - "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it" says:
If the middle one didn't have such an attitude then I would've liked her!
Jaymyi says:
she's coloured so thats why
Damian - "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it" says:
Natural bitches
Jaymyi says:
its true man....im with u, im all about white women now
Damian - "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it" says:
I won't limit myself, but let's be honest, I gravitate towards them
Jaymyi says:
this is very true! hhhahahha, at least u gravitate towards whats proper!
Damian - "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it" says:
lol
Damian - "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it" says:
Jaymyi, your mom would be slapping you right now if she heard this
Damian - "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it" says:
Mine too
Jaymyi says:
yeah, my mom still thinks i should find a fine upstanding black woman....i jumped off that boat long time ago!
Damian - "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it" says:
My ma just told me yesterday that she'd still prefer I marry a black woman
Damian - "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it" says:
That just makes me want to marry something else even more
Jaymyi says:
hahhahahha!! same man!
Jaymyi says:
my wife is for sure gonna be white or asian...preferably a combination of the two!
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You call that bitch your body guard? Yea thats my bodyguard... says:
lol i hope u know ive spread this game all over central toronto dsi
- Damian - "Every Christmas My Dad Would Whip Up His Special Egg Nog With Bourbon And Ice Cubes" says:
haha
You call that bitch your body guard? Yea thats my bodyguard... says:
hell i got my own sister momming me
- Damian - "Every Christmas My Dad Would Whip Up His Special Egg Nog With Bourbon And Ice Cubes" says:
My boys and I barely even play it. The other day I mommed someone and Hash was like, "Do we still play that game?" lol, it's alive in our hearts mostly
You call that bitch your body guard? Yea thats my bodyguard... says:
lmao well the spirit lives on
You call that bitch your body guard? Yea thats my bodyguard... says:
ill carry on tradition no worries
You call that bitch your body guard? Yea thats my bodyguard... says:
you should see my black friends when i mom them its awesome
You call that bitch your body guard? Yea thats my bodyguard... says:
you ever had to explain the game at knife point?
You call that bitch your body guard? Yea thats my bodyguard... says:
its not ez
You call that bitch your body guard? Yea thats my bodyguard... says:
i find that for every 3 people i explain the game to
You call that bitch your body guard? Yea thats my bodyguard... says:
only 2 look at me like im retarded
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Damian - "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." says:
do you have any songs by Waldo's People?
- Suhail - - I'm not Superman. says:
no
Damian - "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." says:
Not much good to me alive are you?
- Suhail - - I'm not Superman. says:
not really no, would I be any better dead?
Damian - "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." says:
Probably not
- Suhail - - I'm not Superman. says:
then alive I will remain
Damian - "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." says:
I'm not sure if that argument would hold up to greater scrutiny
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Kia says:
k...well thats a pretty bad weekend, most people are gonna be doing things, but im still in
- Damian - "Huh, you have pretty good posture for someone without a backbone." says:
I'll be around, I have no family
Kia says:
oohh man
Kia says:
everytime i talk to you i feel depressed..lol
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Damian - "A friend's eye is a good mirror." says:
People say I need to get laid
Kia says:
i know
Kia says:
mad recession in the pants
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- Damian - "A friend's eye is a good mirror." says:
the prof gives stupid questions on the exam, so you have to study
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Me: If you give white people liquor, they will dance
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I really can't remember who this was.

*Takes a huge bite of a new, possibly disgusting food, then quickly spits it out*
Me: You didn't even take a little bite, you just went for it!
Person: It could've been good.
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Me: When's your exam tomorrow?
Holly: 12? 2? I dunno.
Me: You'd better check.
Holly: Oh ya! They're subject to change!
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Me: You want that [penny]?
Elias: Hell yeah, pennies make dollas!
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Suhail's most profound statement ever.

Suey: People were created to fuck up, some more than others.
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Me: Did you ever bark up that tree?
Gelata: I sorta did, ya. At first I was like 'Yeah she's cute'. Then I was like...no.
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Me: Is it shallow if I'm only interested in her brain?
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Me: How about Planet Earth?
Larissa: Good call. Can we watch the winter one?
Me: You just had to choose the most visually boring one, didn't you?
Larissa: No, you get to watch the snow!
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Me: He's slow at processing things.
Negar: Like his brain is so busy...but it's not.
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Me: This feels like sex on my hands.
Suey: Don't we know what that feels like?
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*Watching the nutty, head rolling/tossing (possibly coked up) Asian dancer holding onto her boyfriend at Guvernment*

Me: She's a crazy dancer.
Holly: I think she's passed out.
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*After Holly is grabbed by a high-as-fuck Asian guy*

Me: You trippin' out?
Holly: I'M TRIPPIN' OUT!
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*Antonietta has been rubbing her eye in a creepy way for a solid three minutes, then switches it up*

Me: No, rub it the gross way.
Etta: Don't tell me how to rub my eye.
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*We need the DVD player switched to the Wii at Holly's house, no one else knows how to do it*

Holly: Just because I know how to do it doesn't mean I should!
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*Popping Cadbury Cream Eggs are at stake*

Holly: Do you want one?
*I put my hand out as a joke, Holly hesitates, then I take it*
Holly: I didn't think you'd take it.
Me: I wasn't going to until I saw that little hesitation there.
Holly: I kept thinking in my head: Should I offer him an egg? No, because there's not a lot left. Should I offer him an egg? No, because I really want it. Should I offer him an egg? Yes, because he bought them for me. Should I offer him an egg? Yes, because he probably won't take it. Should I offer him an egg...
Me: Just keep the fucking egg Holly!
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*On the way to Blue Mountain we past a big field of tiny trees*

Suey: I can't imagine how big they're gonna get.
*Sees the tree farm sign*
Suey: Oh noooo! They're going to be harvested!
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*I spot a girl I'm instantly in love with at the gym*

Me: Glasses, nice teeth, a booty...ahhhh yaaaa look at that booty!
*Larissa looks back at the girl as she jogs past*
Larissa: That does deserve a song!
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*Trying a Kinder Bueno for the first time*

Dianee: Yo, these taste like those Ferocious things!
Me: Ferrero Roches?
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*Later that night, after the Cadbury Cream Egg incident*

Holly: I'm so thirsty!
*Looks at my glass of water*
Me: Should I offer her my water? No, because there's not a lot left. Should I offer her my water? No, because I really want it. Should I offer her my water...
Holly: No, because I will take it!

Overheard by Damian

The following is a list of quotes I've overheard or said myself during the past year or so. Some of the names are fictitious in order to protect the meek, dumb, or embarrassed. They are noted with a *. I write down anything quote-worthy. Beware.

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*After I hit him in the nuts with a soccer ball*
Suhail: It's not even sack pain. It's my piece! I KNOW sack pain!
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*Holly holds up the Jack of Spades and shows everyone during a game of Kings. There is a rule against making any sort of mistakes during the game*

Larissa: That's backwards! (as in upside down)
Me: How can the card be backwards? That's a mistake.
Holly: That's a HUGE mistake!
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*After she gets her mark back on a test*

Dianee: My mark is gonna drop sky high!
Me: Sky high?
Dianee: ...Sky low.
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*In regards to whether or not casually sleeping with her friend was justified*

Breanne* : We were in a deep friendship.
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*The girls are lost and over an hour late. Suey and I are waiting in a freezing car. After he hangs up the phone with Larissa*

Suhail : I just wanna call her back and tell her that I hate her.
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Me: You're aggressive...sexually.
Laura*: No I'm not.
Me: You just told me that you want to fuck me.
Laura*: I'm just telling you how I feel.
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Larissa : I think I might be dating someone...so I'd better not.
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Larissa says:
lol nah it was your smooth chocolate brown head

- Damian - "Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment." says:
I put a smooth chocolate brown head in your mom last night

- Damian - "Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment." says:
oh SHIT son!

Larissa says:
fuck

Larissa says:
that was a good one
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Destin *pouting*: Makin' fun of my street cred...
----------------------------------------------------------
*Talking about a small town*

Shevsky: It's literally in the middle of Bumfuck Nowhere. Where the women are few and the sheep are scared.
----------------------------------------------------------
*Telling Hash and Rocha to leave something alone*

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah...don't, don't...just don't.
----------------------------------------------------------
*After accidentally drinking some dirty popper water*

Meg*: I sucked so hard...I drank it.
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Mon: Where does thunder come from?
Hash: Lightning.
Mon: No it doesn't.
Hash: What? You think the clouds are just coughing?
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*Holly is reading a text from Larissa*

Larissa: my ta is sweating like crazy its so gross
Holly: ta? What's a ta? What is she talking about?
Damian and Rochelle: It's T.A. you fuck!
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*Giving advice about a guy she really likes*

Me: You can't touch his penis.
Jenny*: Not even with my mouth?
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Me: Yo, I like your kicks.
Branko: Yeah? They're fucking mediocre!
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Intensely Polish Prof: There's no place for shy people in this world. They just don't have a chance, I'm sorry.
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*Talking about what happens to a warning after two months*

Priscilla: It gets tored up.
Me: Tored?
Priscilla: Teared.
Me: Torn.
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*High as shit*

Ryan*: Man whenever I look at a light I hear buzzing. That's why I'm not looking at the light
poles.

*looks at a light pole*.

Ryan*: FUCK! You don't hear that??
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*Talking to Larissa while I'm cleaning my room. I stumble across a very full box of condoms*

Me: I made a promise to myself that if these condoms expire before I have sex again I'm going to kill myself.
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Nixon: I haven't deployed my game in like a year.
Me: What's your 'game'? Alcohol and chest muscles?
Nixon: Chest muscles is a big part of it, I won't even lie.
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*A shady telemarketer calls to scam my mom*

Scammer: Do you know your car warranty is about to expire?
Mum: Do you know who you're talking to?
Scammer: No ma'am.
Mum: Then how the HELL do you know my warranty is going to expire!
Scammer: Oh man.

*Mum hangs up and looks at me*

Mum: Why do they keep trying? They don't know who they're dealing with! Don't fuck with me!
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Me: I have to go to class...save me some of that four layer dip.
Dianee: Yeah right! That things gonna be like...winking me in the eye.
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*Larissa tells me something surprising*

Me: What? How? What? How? How? How?...I don't even wanna know.
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Suhail: I put nutella on chicken once...it tasted like nutella on chicken.
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*At mini putt*

Me: What if people play poorly? Play-through?
Rochelle: Damian!
Me: Alliteration is fun!
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Polish Prof: Okay, who is presenting today? *girl raises her hand* Oh!...I'm a bit scared. *pause* I'm sorry, sometimes I shouldn't make stupid comments.
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Me: That's two [photo] albums in a row with me doing gay shit on camera.
Suhail: The next ones need to be full of very straight shit.
Me: Yeah, like me in a woman...but not in her bum.
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Katherine: I'm in like Flint.
Me: What?
Katherine: You've never heard that before? Really? I say it all the time!
Me: That doesn't even rhyme! 'In like Flynn' would make a lot more sense.
Katherine: Actually I think that's what it's supposed to be.
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*The bus is getting overcrowded so the bus driver gets on the microphone.*

Bus Driver: Move to the back of the bus please. *no one moves* If you don't move to the back I'm going to start singing. NO ONE is going to like that!
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Suhail: I never used to call them half moons eh.
Me: What did you call them?
Suhail: One lune, two moon.
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Mum: This is my fine china. Tell your wife to treat these with care.
Me: Don't want to offend you or anything, but they don't look all that fine mum.
Mum: These cost me $35. In those days that was a lot of money! Look at the back. Read the fine print: "Fine China."

Race Theory

I ended up in a long discussion with a co-worker about my theories of race and (North American) society. Essentially I stated that society pressures minorities to act according to their perceived stereotypes. Asians should do math or business, brown people should drive taxi's or make your food, blacks should be rappers or athletes, and so forth. The funny thing is, it's those who are in power that constantly reinforce that that is how minorities should act. These so-called Hip Hop moguls are owned by a bunch of white guys who are profiting not only off the middle class white kid looking to rebel, but to the black child who is told that acting like the rappers they see on TV is the epitome of "black". The result is two fold: stereotypes that are consistently fulfilled and, more importantly, an invisible ceiling. "Hey, you're a gangsta so you should just focus on acting tough and dealing drugs." The alternative is, "You're not acting like a gangsta, so you're white-washed." The worst part of it all is that we minorities willingly agree to follow their definition of us.

I find it funny that by getting an education, avoiding stereotypical behaviour and just being you makes you "white-washed". I swear that is one of my most hated phrases. The ignorance that is required to say those words and all the connotations that come with it piss me off beyond belief. It's Imperialism. "You're trying to succeed? You want to fit into society? Well you must be emulating white people, because that's what white people do." So because I don't wear clothes that are three sizes too big and talk in slang while I'm at work, I'm an "oreo". Fuck you. The funny part is, I have never been called white-washed by a black person. Not once. Oppression still exists, even in free states; it's just more subtle. I love Canada more than most people who live here do and it revolts me to think that the average Canadian sees me as white-washed because I choose to improve myself and listen to John Mayer or dance music. I certainly hope that is not the case.

I Don't Recognize This Game

Being single is the most fun, confusing, flirty, frustrating, intriguing, and lonely time of my life. It's just weird. I don't drink, I don't do random hookups and I definitely don't game (note: I heard the gamiest line ever today, it was great, but I can't share it at this time). Gaming is entirely too much effort and way too little me; it's just not who I am. What's a brotha ta do? Why, do what I do every day. Try and take over the world!
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I haven't been writing nearly as much as I used to and my skills are really starting to deteriorate. I can barely write a few sentences without making typos let alone string wonderfully intricate words into entertaining paragraphs, similes or metaphors. Maybe I'll start blogging more, but a lot of things need to be censored. Perhaps I will create a new blog, one hidden from the view of the commoners!
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I saw this on askmen.com and I don't think truer words have ever been written. It's about flirting mistakes that women make:

You engage with other people
A guy absolutely wants to know that you'll get along with his friends and his mother. Like, a couple of months from now. But all he cares about right now is that you get along with him. When we were asking our friends and customers what could turn them off a woman, the same answer came up again and again: talking to other guys around them. As one pointed out, "Even if I understand in the back of my head that she's doing it to impress me that other guys think she's witty and sexy, all I can think is, 'Fine. Then let one of the other guys have her.'" Obviously, this isn't to say that you shouldn't be polite and nice to the bartender (of course), or the guy's friends if he's out with them and introducing you. But you should monitor your tone so that he understands that the way you're acting with him is special and different from the way you act with men in general. Remember: For that moment, he wants to believe that he's the only one in the room for you.

Damian's note: Ladies, if a guy likes you he's going to like you on your own merits, not on what other people seem to think of you.
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Have you ever browsed the pictures/videos in your "Received Files" folder? Half that shit is fucked up.
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There's been a lot of negativity surrounding me lately, particularly in the last couple weeks of March. I don't have time for it. Seriously. I've found ways to escape it, but I'm tired of running. If you can't be positive (or even neutral) at least be quiet.

"It's the simplest properties that will help you clear yourself of negativity ... The profound power of a simple prayer. The strength of a deep breath. The gentle guidance of good music."

The irony is that I've always been labelled a pessimist when I am in fact, a realist; there is a distinct difference.
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Whatchu know about chuuuuiiin?